I hate those days where you seem fine all day but towards the end of the day, the little things just end up either upsetting you or you just say "screw it." I don't know why today feels like one of those days. It's probably because I'm really tired and I slept oddly last night. I think I just need to do some Bible study because I like how it makes me feel. Encouraged, uplifted, hopeful. God is the only one who I can count on to make me feel better, yet I don't always think to go to Him. I suppose it would be because I'm a new believer learning to rely more on Him rather than just human beings. He never lets me down, I know that. It's always people who upset me.
BAH. I don't know. Most nights I don't want to go to bed, but on an odd day like today I just want to go to bed right now, but I'll wait just a little longer for that.
Oh and I just need to listen to some Michael Jackson because he's just a great ball of awesome.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The Reality of MY Life
Lately there have been things that just keep coming up, whether it'd be in conversation or on display or whatever. There's definitely a reason for those things popping up in the places I least expect them to. I believe that God places things in my life for a reason, is more like it. I guess I just feel convicted and more aware of what I've been through and I just need to finally accept it fully and take the big steps to getting over it rather than the teeny tiny baby steps I was taking. It's crazy when you know you're supposed to do something to take the next step. It's usually right there in front of you, in front of all those thoughts that seem useless or nonsensical when you have these important things to take care of.
After sending a message to my ex-boyfriend about the major struggles and obstacles we had to face together I feel a little bit more relieved. And during writing that message, my mother called me and she talked to me about it too and definitely helped me feel better about it. It's really sad because when I cry about things that are heavy on my mind and heart, I don't like answering the phone or allowing anyone to know/see that I've been crying. I'm slowly learning to talk to my loved ones and trust that they'll at least listen even if they don't understand. My mom has always been there for me, so why would I push her away now? I'm old enough to know that I can't do this alone. I need God. I need my mother. I need my great friends. They will help me through it all. And most of all I need to open my eyes to the problems in my life and accept them for what they are.
All my life I've always just pushed things away with movies, video games, Tumblr, Facebook, hanging out with friends, partying and getting drunk or high to forget. But what good does it do you if you never face REALITY? This is a problem in this generation. I honestly don't understand why we haven't learned by now that material things don't do ANYTHING for us in the end except cause things to get worse or just put them on hold. Stop running and face your fears and deal with them. You may get hurt, but that's how you learn, that's how you grow. If you continue to do the same things over, why would you think your life would be any better if you're not taking risks that require change? I truly believe that you have to hit bottom to appreciate the little things and even the BIG things. Especially, the big things. Maybe you wouldn't have what you have now if you didn't go through what you've already gone through, you know?
I know I screw up daily, but now that I'm aware of these things I am more likely to face them or try to face them instead of running from them. I do get worried and frustrated when things don't "work out" according to my human plan, but God has something greater for me to learn everyday. Just as today was a normal, irritating allergy day, but it turned into a thoughtful more meaningful day just by studying His word and Him showing me things i need to deal with. I thank God SO MUCH for everything I have gone through and been given my whole life. And He has most definitely watched over me my whole life as well. Of course, He didn't have to, but I'm His child and why wouldn't someone want to look after their child?
I thank You, Lord, for this life and experience and the chance to actually have a life again. You are an awesome God.
Oh Father! Well I am ready! Won't You let it begin? Cause I am here now, I want to dance in the mighty palm of Your hand!
After sending a message to my ex-boyfriend about the major struggles and obstacles we had to face together I feel a little bit more relieved. And during writing that message, my mother called me and she talked to me about it too and definitely helped me feel better about it. It's really sad because when I cry about things that are heavy on my mind and heart, I don't like answering the phone or allowing anyone to know/see that I've been crying. I'm slowly learning to talk to my loved ones and trust that they'll at least listen even if they don't understand. My mom has always been there for me, so why would I push her away now? I'm old enough to know that I can't do this alone. I need God. I need my mother. I need my great friends. They will help me through it all. And most of all I need to open my eyes to the problems in my life and accept them for what they are.
All my life I've always just pushed things away with movies, video games, Tumblr, Facebook, hanging out with friends, partying and getting drunk or high to forget. But what good does it do you if you never face REALITY? This is a problem in this generation. I honestly don't understand why we haven't learned by now that material things don't do ANYTHING for us in the end except cause things to get worse or just put them on hold. Stop running and face your fears and deal with them. You may get hurt, but that's how you learn, that's how you grow. If you continue to do the same things over, why would you think your life would be any better if you're not taking risks that require change? I truly believe that you have to hit bottom to appreciate the little things and even the BIG things. Especially, the big things. Maybe you wouldn't have what you have now if you didn't go through what you've already gone through, you know?
I know I screw up daily, but now that I'm aware of these things I am more likely to face them or try to face them instead of running from them. I do get worried and frustrated when things don't "work out" according to my human plan, but God has something greater for me to learn everyday. Just as today was a normal, irritating allergy day, but it turned into a thoughtful more meaningful day just by studying His word and Him showing me things i need to deal with. I thank God SO MUCH for everything I have gone through and been given my whole life. And He has most definitely watched over me my whole life as well. Of course, He didn't have to, but I'm His child and why wouldn't someone want to look after their child?
I thank You, Lord, for this life and experience and the chance to actually have a life again. You are an awesome God.
Oh Father! Well I am ready! Won't You let it begin? Cause I am here now, I want to dance in the mighty palm of Your hand!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Jerk.
I wish I could help you but you won’t even listen to your own sister. I really hate the way you make her feel. You treated her poorly basically her whole life. She’s amazing and I can’t believe who you’ve turned out to be. The things you’ve done. The way I see it is you’re not as nice or caring as you try to be around me. Or as much as you used to be. I don’t want to be with someone like that let alone think of you as family. I’ve told you and she’s told you several times that I DON’T think of you that way. So don’t get all pissy with me like it’s my fault I never see you when you’re back in town. We’ve grown apart and I’ve never seen you that way. I do regret leading you on before, especially for this reason, but now it seems like you’re in denial. You just don’t get it. Grow up, please. Open your eyes. Admit your faults. There’s a lot of people I must distance myself from these days and you’re one of them.
I’m sorry it had to be this way.
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