I have so much going on in my head. I need to be doing Spanish right now. I was cleaning my room but I got bored and distracted. Zarek is acting weird today. I feel like he's bored with me. My life feels like nothing. I don't want to talk to my dad. I want to see my mom. I feel like no one understands me. I am lonely. I am broken. I am breaking. I am sorry. I am not sorry at all. I will explode. I will implode. What's the point anymore? How do I fix this? How do I live? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why do I have to have this strange mental issue? Do I actually have a mental illness? Have I always been depressed? I think I have. But have I really? Will I ever be good enough for anybody? Will I ever end up with someone who truly loves me? Will I be able to truly love them back? Do I know how to love? Do I know anything at all? Am I going crazy? Am I actually this bad at living life? Or are they being overly dramatic? Am I being overly dramatic? Will I ever know who I am?
Is it all in my head?

Curiousity.

Taking my writing class this semester has really helped me dive into the depths of my thoughts. Perhaps being okay with being curious. I watch the sky or the birds or ants doing what they do and start thinking about everything. We have an essay to write our opinion on a poem called "The Summer Day." I've been thinking a lot about it not only because I have to but because I want to. I relate to it a lot. (When I get the chance I'll post it.) We also analyzed other poems and today we were talking about how we take the little things for granted when they could make an impact larger than one would think. Anyway, I keep losing my thoughts, but I was wondering if it is common for people to sit and observe the earth and its happenings and question life itself. I'd reckon that many people do, I suppose, because most everyone struggles with their faith in a creator or the created. I've also been thinking about my life a lot in the past few years, really. The way people in my life are makes me wonder why they are that way. Such as my father. I could go into more about him, but I'll leave that until I'm ready for that. He's just been in and out of my life and I truly feel like I know less about him than I really should. And because I know where he is and that I have him at the touch of a button or two, why don't I try and call and ask him about it? Truly talk to him? Am I afraid? I don't know, honestly.

OKAY. That's enough.... only because I have class in 8 minutes!!!

Get over it.

That's what I have to do. I'm crying because I feel stupid. I'm crying because of the tone that he gave me to make me feel stupid. But I guess I'm just like the dog, right? I have to endure it to get over it and know it's okay. I really do not like being mean to animals, especially during a storm, but I suppose it's not being mean if the dog needs to learn that storms aren't scary. "Put her outside, then!" he said. So, it scared me because it feels like I got in trouble. I feel like a kid again. I don't want to be scolded! It fucking irritates me. Maybe that's why I'm so upset as well. I can be way too fucking sensitive, which in turn also causes me to be irritated with myself even more. The endless cycle of irritation. I guess I just have to vent to feel better, to get it out, to perhaps read it again to learn from it. Life is learning from your mistakes. It's okay to make them, but it never feels like it. It never feels right to be upset over something that is stupid when there are other things to be "upset" about. I don't know why I am so sensitive to certain tones or words that make me feel lower than I should. I just do not know. There wasn't always someone there to comfort me when I was scared.
I don't fucking know, I just know that I need to get the crying and the feelings out somewhere, somehow, and I guess today it shall be here.

Note: Perhaps I feel stupid because people tend to throw the "don't cry like a little girl" thing around like it is nothing... and here I am thinking I am the idiot little girl who is crying over something so small and stupid.

Get over it.

It seems as though there is some sort of pattern or general theme of music, games, books and movies that I am really drawn to. Those involving the desert, or the feeling of post apocalyptic times. (Also, I love zombies!) I've been playing Fallout: New Vegas and that obviously has to do with the desert and post apocalyptic survival. To describe how it makes me feel in words is way too difficult. I love how it makes me think and feel. I realize that I live in the desert, so that may have something to do with it, but I feel like it's much bigger than that. This is why I love so many art forms. This feeling can be produced into a drawing, a movie, a book, a video game, a song or even a whole album! It amazes me!
I reckon you could do that with most feelings, but this is the genre that really hits home for me.
I feel like I can't really continue to explain how I'm feeling, but I'll just list off some of the things that make me feel this way.

• Fallout: New Vegas (game)
• Resident Evil (game, book, movie)
• World War Z (book)
• Queens of the Stone Age (band)
• Waterworld (movie)
• Book of Eli (movie)
• The Stand (book, movie)
• Mad Max (movie)
• District 9 (movie)
• I Am Legend (book, movie)
• In Time (movie)
• A.I. (movie)
• I, Robot (movie)
• Repo! The Genetic Opera (movie)

I suppose I should stop now, seeing as I must leave in a minute. But hopefully you understand the point I'm trying to get across.

I'll leave you with this song:

[I Appear Missing//Queens of the Stone Age]

I Got That Tunnel Vision For You

My friend told me that Justin Timberlake's new video for "Tunnel Vision" came out very recently and gave me the gist of what happened. The way she explained it was a bit shocking, I guess. I expected more suggestive movements and I suppose if you take it that way, they could be, but I went in with an open mind. The video definitely was not even close to some of the greatest "short films" or "music videos" out there. It got boring after the second minute. I can see that whoever had the idea for the video was attempting to be artistic, but in my eyes it was a choppy wannabe artsy video. There were parts where I thought it was artistic and other parts where it was just a half naked woman dancing, plain and simple. I'd have to agree with my friend when she said that he lost some points with this video. He could have done better, especially after seeing his "Mirrors" video. We were just talking about it and she said that you can tell when someone's heart is in the making of an art piece such as the song and video for "Mirrors." As for "Tunnel Vision" there is no sign of real thought behind this. It was almost as if they wanted to release the single and rushed to get the video out instead of coming up with something inspiring and new.
I absolutely loved the song when I first listened to the album. It still remains one of my favorites off the album or of his in general. The picture it created in my mind is nothing compared to the video. I know that Justin has his own "visions" for the song, but I personally do not believe that the video probably didn't properly portray that.
I have been watching Michael Jackson more and more lately and, really, he was the true artist to look up to. He was very modest in his videos. I reckon we've definitely been spoiled by his talents.
I suppose I could go on and on about Michael and my opinion on Justin's music, but Monsoon Season has started up and we're getting a big storm on the way. I'd like my computer to live, thank you very much!

Oh, here's the video for Tunnel Vision:

It's quite interesting when you've broken up with someone. You just let them deal with their own things and basically ignore them, and they decide to message you yet another "last time" the "final goodbye" and they tell you "I don't hate you, but I feel sorry for you" sort of thing. Actually, it's half irritating and half funny, which may sound mean or sad, but it's the truth. You really thought I was going to come back begging for your forgiveness and love? Oh, stop. And he added that he found "someone that is good to him." GREAT! It honestly is what you needed! That I am happy about. Leave me alone and get over it, please?
Bah, I do sound harsh and mad, I guess, or maybe I don't, but I'm just tired. Tired of these flip floppy messages. Please just deal with your own life and enjoy it instead of waiting for that "special" email from me. I've sent enough messages to tell you that I am finished with you in several different ways. I have my own life to worry about.

On another note, Hannah and I just got back from our week long, MJ-related, road trip between Arizona, Nevada and California. It was pretty fun!! I admit I had my down moments, but my brain can be such an irritating thing, I tell ya. All I can say is that it is more fun looking at the world and its beauty rather than the awful things that exist. It's great when so many things can make you think more deeply, especially about God and humanity.

Should've known

I understand that you don't have a car or a license to even drive. I understand when you're feeling sick. I understand when you're depressed or tired and don't have the energy. I know you don't always intend on cancelling on me, but honestly I'm getting sick of it. It makes me sad, but I'm also just tired. "I can't get him up to go shopping because he's still sleeping." "I can't get him up to come pick you up so we can visit."
It really is an awful feeling when your mother cancels on you more times than not. Especially when it comes to her not even making it to the hospital the rest of the time I'm there after my kidney surgery. I don't know what to do about it other than to distance myself from her and not expect her to really try. I don't know.
I don't know.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.