Curiousity.

Taking my writing class this semester has really helped me dive into the depths of my thoughts. Perhaps being okay with being curious. I watch the sky or the birds or ants doing what they do and start thinking about everything. We have an essay to write our opinion on a poem called "The Summer Day." I've been thinking a lot about it not only because I have to but because I want to. I relate to it a lot. (When I get the chance I'll post it.) We also analyzed other poems and today we were talking about how we take the little things for granted when they could make an impact larger than one would think. Anyway, I keep losing my thoughts, but I was wondering if it is common for people to sit and observe the earth and its happenings and question life itself. I'd reckon that many people do, I suppose, because most everyone struggles with their faith in a creator or the created. I've also been thinking about my life a lot in the past few years, really. The way people in my life are makes me wonder why they are that way. Such as my father. I could go into more about him, but I'll leave that until I'm ready for that. He's just been in and out of my life and I truly feel like I know less about him than I really should. And because I know where he is and that I have him at the touch of a button or two, why don't I try and call and ask him about it? Truly talk to him? Am I afraid? I don't know, honestly.

OKAY. That's enough.... only because I have class in 8 minutes!!!

Get over it.

That's what I have to do. I'm crying because I feel stupid. I'm crying because of the tone that he gave me to make me feel stupid. But I guess I'm just like the dog, right? I have to endure it to get over it and know it's okay. I really do not like being mean to animals, especially during a storm, but I suppose it's not being mean if the dog needs to learn that storms aren't scary. "Put her outside, then!" he said. So, it scared me because it feels like I got in trouble. I feel like a kid again. I don't want to be scolded! It fucking irritates me. Maybe that's why I'm so upset as well. I can be way too fucking sensitive, which in turn also causes me to be irritated with myself even more. The endless cycle of irritation. I guess I just have to vent to feel better, to get it out, to perhaps read it again to learn from it. Life is learning from your mistakes. It's okay to make them, but it never feels like it. It never feels right to be upset over something that is stupid when there are other things to be "upset" about. I don't know why I am so sensitive to certain tones or words that make me feel lower than I should. I just do not know. There wasn't always someone there to comfort me when I was scared.
I don't fucking know, I just know that I need to get the crying and the feelings out somewhere, somehow, and I guess today it shall be here.

Note: Perhaps I feel stupid because people tend to throw the "don't cry like a little girl" thing around like it is nothing... and here I am thinking I am the idiot little girl who is crying over something so small and stupid.

Get over it.

It seems as though there is some sort of pattern or general theme of music, games, books and movies that I am really drawn to. Those involving the desert, or the feeling of post apocalyptic times. (Also, I love zombies!) I've been playing Fallout: New Vegas and that obviously has to do with the desert and post apocalyptic survival. To describe how it makes me feel in words is way too difficult. I love how it makes me think and feel. I realize that I live in the desert, so that may have something to do with it, but I feel like it's much bigger than that. This is why I love so many art forms. This feeling can be produced into a drawing, a movie, a book, a video game, a song or even a whole album! It amazes me!
I reckon you could do that with most feelings, but this is the genre that really hits home for me.
I feel like I can't really continue to explain how I'm feeling, but I'll just list off some of the things that make me feel this way.

• Fallout: New Vegas (game)
• Resident Evil (game, book, movie)
• World War Z (book)
• Queens of the Stone Age (band)
• Waterworld (movie)
• Book of Eli (movie)
• The Stand (book, movie)
• Mad Max (movie)
• District 9 (movie)
• I Am Legend (book, movie)
• In Time (movie)
• A.I. (movie)
• I, Robot (movie)
• Repo! The Genetic Opera (movie)

I suppose I should stop now, seeing as I must leave in a minute. But hopefully you understand the point I'm trying to get across.

I'll leave you with this song:

[I Appear Missing//Queens of the Stone Age]

I Got That Tunnel Vision For You

My friend told me that Justin Timberlake's new video for "Tunnel Vision" came out very recently and gave me the gist of what happened. The way she explained it was a bit shocking, I guess. I expected more suggestive movements and I suppose if you take it that way, they could be, but I went in with an open mind. The video definitely was not even close to some of the greatest "short films" or "music videos" out there. It got boring after the second minute. I can see that whoever had the idea for the video was attempting to be artistic, but in my eyes it was a choppy wannabe artsy video. There were parts where I thought it was artistic and other parts where it was just a half naked woman dancing, plain and simple. I'd have to agree with my friend when she said that he lost some points with this video. He could have done better, especially after seeing his "Mirrors" video. We were just talking about it and she said that you can tell when someone's heart is in the making of an art piece such as the song and video for "Mirrors." As for "Tunnel Vision" there is no sign of real thought behind this. It was almost as if they wanted to release the single and rushed to get the video out instead of coming up with something inspiring and new.
I absolutely loved the song when I first listened to the album. It still remains one of my favorites off the album or of his in general. The picture it created in my mind is nothing compared to the video. I know that Justin has his own "visions" for the song, but I personally do not believe that the video probably didn't properly portray that.
I have been watching Michael Jackson more and more lately and, really, he was the true artist to look up to. He was very modest in his videos. I reckon we've definitely been spoiled by his talents.
I suppose I could go on and on about Michael and my opinion on Justin's music, but Monsoon Season has started up and we're getting a big storm on the way. I'd like my computer to live, thank you very much!

Oh, here's the video for Tunnel Vision:

It's quite interesting when you've broken up with someone. You just let them deal with their own things and basically ignore them, and they decide to message you yet another "last time" the "final goodbye" and they tell you "I don't hate you, but I feel sorry for you" sort of thing. Actually, it's half irritating and half funny, which may sound mean or sad, but it's the truth. You really thought I was going to come back begging for your forgiveness and love? Oh, stop. And he added that he found "someone that is good to him." GREAT! It honestly is what you needed! That I am happy about. Leave me alone and get over it, please?
Bah, I do sound harsh and mad, I guess, or maybe I don't, but I'm just tired. Tired of these flip floppy messages. Please just deal with your own life and enjoy it instead of waiting for that "special" email from me. I've sent enough messages to tell you that I am finished with you in several different ways. I have my own life to worry about.

On another note, Hannah and I just got back from our week long, MJ-related, road trip between Arizona, Nevada and California. It was pretty fun!! I admit I had my down moments, but my brain can be such an irritating thing, I tell ya. All I can say is that it is more fun looking at the world and its beauty rather than the awful things that exist. It's great when so many things can make you think more deeply, especially about God and humanity.

Should've known

I understand that you don't have a car or a license to even drive. I understand when you're feeling sick. I understand when you're depressed or tired and don't have the energy. I know you don't always intend on cancelling on me, but honestly I'm getting sick of it. It makes me sad, but I'm also just tired. "I can't get him up to go shopping because he's still sleeping." "I can't get him up to come pick you up so we can visit."
It really is an awful feeling when your mother cancels on you more times than not. Especially when it comes to her not even making it to the hospital the rest of the time I'm there after my kidney surgery. I don't know what to do about it other than to distance myself from her and not expect her to really try. I don't know.
I don't know.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"Happy" song from Despicable Me 2 and then some...

This is one of the new songs that Pharrell wrote for Despicable Me 2. This is why I love him. He is so talented, but then I get disappointed when I come across some mainstream whatever song. I still listen to whatever he does because I am always curious about what he can come up with and I usually sit and wait for something like this. It's light, I can listen to it and actually feel happy and it makes me want to dance. I have much faith in his music career because he still has it and he's been around for quite some time. I'll never give up on you, P!

Mhm :)

Okay, P, just gimme a sec-

Psh, calm DAY-OWN crazy.

But really though, I love this man for his mind and his music... and his body. Gorgeous man, he is.

And N*E*R*D needs to put out another album. I demand it!

Dear John

I feel like my decision was the best for both of us. I know you're angry with me, John, but I am hoping that you will process it all and receive closure from it. We just ended up in a situation that we shouldn't have. I will always believe God had us meet for a reason. There are so many underlying messages to it all. I've been struggling with a lot of things that I have been trying to suppress and being in a romantic relationship with someone I barely know and who barely knows me will not help me fix what needs to be fixed. I can tell that you have some things to deal with on your own. My problems are not your responsibility nor are yours mine. We both cannot take so much build up of hurt and pain in our lives. I wanted to be here to at least support you in all of this and I didn't mind you helping me out a bit, but we were going about it the wrong way.

It upsets me that you would call my method of letting out my feelings "insensitive." I know myself well enough that if we were to talk over Skype about all of this, I wouldn't be able to get a word in because of how much you would be talking. That sounds kind of harsh, but you said so yourself that you talk a lot. That drained me like no other. I felt controlled by your feelings and your reactions to things I was able to say to you. You seemed to always take them the wrong way. When you told me that you wanted to be open with me without upsetting me. And when I said that you needed me more than I need you, I meant that. Now that I think about it, it's very much the truth. You took it as me saying you are "needy" and indeed you are. I cannot be your security blanket. I'm sorry that what I said may have seemed insensitive but my intentions were to be honest and that's exactly what you wanted from me. You were telling me that people of this world didn't want to know the truth and you are one of those people when you said you weren't. The truth may hurt, but you have to live with it.

I will continue to pray for you and hope the best for you. You need it because your life has been full of one hurt after another and I am sorry that I had to be one of those people to hurt you. From the very beginning, I didn't want it to happen and you were optimistic about it. You were so sure that I wouldn't, and in the end I did. Please focus on your own health, don't stress about everything in life so much. Take your anxiety medicine and take care of your heart. I'm hoping that things in your life get better and you find someone that can provide you with the love you need and I hope you can do the same for them. I know you have a lot of love in you, just as you said to me. You do, but you have a lot of hurt seeping from the cracks within your happiness. Keep your eyes and thoughts on God. He loves you very much and I am so content in knowing that he put us together to be able to better ourselves separately. I thank Him for showing me the truth about myself and that I could help you out along the way.

Please open your eyes to our situation, that's all I ask. Take some time, take a good breather. Build your relationship with God.

With all my heart,
Candice

"Either way, I'll break your heart someday, but leaving you is the last thing on my mind."

I truly am sorry if I really hurt you. I guess I jumped into it too quickly with you and that was stupid of me. Not stupid as in getting to know you, but stupid as in I should have said no in the first place and gotten to know you even more. I feel silly for causing this whole mess. I also felt like I kept messing up in your eyes. I understand you speak your mind, and I like that but I don't know... what was I doing wrong? Talking to your friends that you promote so much? They're really awesome, too, so I was interacting with them, being friendly. But the way it seemed was I am too friendly. And I suppose maybe you're right. I am still so lost on how to fix it or what you want me to do. I also don't want you to lose those awesome friends of yours and honestly, they're more important for you than I am. I want YOU to be happy. And I don't think I can be that person for you. I'm not going to stop supporting you or your friends because you guys are AMAZING, but I'll just interact less if that's what I must do.

I just need to get my own life together before I start one with someone. I am barely learning to take care of myself, I don't know if I can be in a relationship until the time is right. I definitely have a lot more things to experience and I don't want you to waste your time on me if I'm not going to be fully dedicated to you. I don't know how to make you feel more important than everyone else which I guess is most definitely the problem. It felt like I should have just stopped interacting with people but how can I do that if I'm just getting to know everyone?

I don't know how to feel about this except maybe upset and frustrated and like the bad guy.

Today is just not a good day.

One of Those Days

I hate those days where you seem fine all day but towards the end of the day, the little things just end up either upsetting you or you just say "screw it." I don't know why today feels like one of those days. It's probably because I'm really tired and I slept oddly last night. I think I just need to do some Bible study because I like how it makes me feel. Encouraged, uplifted, hopeful. God is the only one who I can count on to make me feel better, yet I don't always think to go to Him. I suppose it would be because I'm a new believer learning to rely more on Him rather than just human beings. He never lets me down, I know that. It's always people who upset me.

BAH. I don't know. Most nights I don't want to go to bed, but on an odd day like today I just want to go to bed right now, but I'll wait just a little longer for that.

Oh and I just need to listen to some Michael Jackson because he's just a great ball of awesome.

The Reality of MY Life

Lately there have been things that just keep coming up, whether it'd be in conversation or on display or whatever. There's definitely a reason for those things popping up in the places I least expect them to. I believe that God places things in my life for a reason, is more like it. I guess I just feel convicted and more aware of what I've been through and I just need to finally accept it fully and take the big steps to getting over it rather than the teeny tiny baby steps I was taking. It's crazy when you know you're supposed to do something to take the next step. It's usually right there in front of you, in front of all those thoughts that seem useless or nonsensical when you have these important things to take care of.

After sending a message to my ex-boyfriend about the major struggles and obstacles we had to face together I feel a little bit more relieved. And during writing that message, my mother called me and she talked to me about it too and definitely helped me feel better about it. It's really sad because when I cry about things that are heavy on my mind and heart, I don't like answering the phone or allowing anyone to know/see that I've been crying. I'm slowly learning to talk to my loved ones and trust that they'll at least listen even if they don't understand. My mom has always been there for me, so why would I push her away now? I'm old enough to know that I can't do this alone. I need God. I need my mother. I need my great friends. They will help me through it all. And most of all I need to open my eyes to the problems in my life and accept them for what they are.

All my life I've always just pushed things away with movies, video games, Tumblr, Facebook, hanging out with friends, partying and getting drunk or high to forget. But what good does it do you if you never face REALITY? This is a problem in this generation. I honestly don't understand why we haven't learned by now that material things don't do ANYTHING for us in the end except cause things to get worse or just put them on hold. Stop running and face your fears and deal with them. You may get hurt, but that's how you learn, that's how you grow. If you continue to do the same things over, why would you think your life would be any better if you're not taking risks that require change? I truly believe that you have to hit bottom to appreciate the little things and even the BIG things. Especially, the big things. Maybe you wouldn't have what you have now if you didn't go through what you've already gone through, you know?

I know I screw up daily, but now that I'm aware of these things I am more likely to face them or try to face them instead of running from them. I do get worried and frustrated when things don't "work out" according to my human plan, but God has something greater for me to learn everyday. Just as today was a normal, irritating allergy day, but it turned into a thoughtful more meaningful day just by studying His word and Him showing me things i need to deal with. I thank God SO MUCH for everything I have gone through and been given my whole life. And He has most definitely watched over me my whole life as well. Of course, He didn't have to, but I'm His child and why wouldn't someone want to look after their child?

I thank You, Lord, for this life and experience and the chance to actually have a life again. You are an awesome God.

Oh Father! Well I am ready! Won't You let it begin? Cause I am here now, I want to dance in the mighty palm of Your hand!

Jerk.

I wish I could help you but you won’t even listen to your own sister. I really hate the way you make her feel. You treated her poorly basically her whole life. She’s amazing and I can’t believe who you’ve turned out to be. The things you’ve done. The way I see it is you’re not as nice or caring as you try to be around me. Or as much as you used to be. I don’t want to be with someone like that let alone think of you as family. I’ve told you and she’s told you several times that I DON’T think of you that way. So don’t get all pissy with me like it’s my fault I never see you when you’re back in town. We’ve grown apart and I’ve never seen you that way. I do regret leading you on before, especially for this reason, but now it seems like you’re in denial. You just don’t get it. Grow up, please. Open your eyes. Admit your faults. There’s a lot of people I must distance myself from these days and you’re one of them.

I’m sorry it had to be this way.